Sunday, April 28, 2013


It has been a hard day.  A really hard day. 

I wrote that blog this morning and was doing ok.  Ok until the first song started in church this morning.  Rosy turned around and saw me crying and had to share that news with Daniela and Cindy.  All three girls were staring at me and I tried to hold it together until the kids left for class.  That did not work out too well for me.

I was glad when the kids left for class.  And, I was glad none of those special songs were sung this morning.

As I reflected during communion, I really lost it.  God is God and I am human and, therein, lies a huge difference.  I love my son so much and would have given my life to save his.  How, o how did God willingly sacrifice His only son for all of lost humanity.  For me, a sinner.  I love my kids more than anything in this world.  And yet, God loves me more than that.  He gave His only son for me.  When thinking of unwillingly losing my son, those thoughts kept running through my mind.  And with the thoughts, a flood of tears.

After church, Marc decided to get me out of here for a while.  We went to Popeye's and then went to the Valley of Angels.  We sat and had a granita.  I probably did not need the caffeine, but I had it any way.

I was drowning in my tears as wave after wave of grief came crashing in on me.  I could not stand up and get my footing before another wave came rolling in and knocked me down again.  But, I think leaving was probably better than being here and curling up in a ball and crying all day.

We had Ryan for almost 20 years.  We were blessed.  Today, I was blessed with all your prayers and kind words and thoughts.  I love you all.  Thank you for lifting our names to the Father and for carrying us in our weakest moments.


1 comment:

VIC'S PLACE said...

My heart breaks for you. It is nothing I could ever imagine or want to go through. There are so many people that have lifted you and your family up in prayer. We love you and when you hurt,we hurt too.