A Heavy Heart

I had a wonderful weekend.  Just Marc and I.  It would have been nice to have one more day to sleep late, but that was not to be.  We rose early yesterday and headed for home. 

Safely home by 2:00 p.m.  There is so much to be done on Sunday afternoon.  It is one of my busiest days.  I began plowing through those tasks.  But, I was refreshed and renewed.  Or, so I thought.

This morning I rose early, as always.  I read the first four chapters of Esther and read the daily reading from Jesus Calling, followed by a hard 30 minute work-out.  These are the things I do everyday.  They prepare me for my day and calm my soul. 

I wasn't calm this morning as I began distributing all the money that goes out of here on Monday morning.  I told Marc I wasn't mad at him.  Yet.  But, that he was about the only person on earth with whom I wasn't angry. 

There really wasn't anything anyone had done to me.  Everything on my list was very petty. 


Then a few missteps and miscommunications happened.  This was rapidly getting out of control.  As if anything is really in my control.  Then it was time to start my new mantra.  "I will trust in you Jesus.  I will trust in  you Jesus.  I will trust in You, Jesus."  It calms me every time. 

Then I had some tea.  That helped, too.

Today is payday for my employees.  It takes most of the day to figure payroll and pay the employees.  Karen needed me to help with the children for a bit.  It was during the lunch chaos hour.  I love being with the children. 

When Karen returned and I paid another employee or two, I came back to the house.  It was then I learned of the bombs at the Boston Marathon.  As petty as my little issues seemed this morning, they seemed even more petty in light of that news.  People are facing real issues in Boston.  Two people have died.  Someone's child, or spouse, or parent or sibling or friend.  Unspeakable grief.  Others have lost limbs.  Senselessly. 

My heart is breaking.  And screaming.  I am so angry.  Where oh where in the world is it safe?  Children aren't safe in school.  We are not safe in churches or movie theaters or even when we choose to run a marathon.  Why?  All this killing is senseless.  Pointless.

I had to return to mantra.  "I will trust in You, Jesus.  I will trust in You, Jesus." 

But my heart is still so heavy for all the people who have lost loved ones today.