One Year Later

One year ago today, Casa de Esperanza closed.  It was a very sad day for everyone involved.  It was one of the saddest days of my life.  Like other big sadnesses, I thought I would never smile again, never laugh again, never find happiness again.  And, just like with the other big sadnesses, I learned to smile again, to be happy again.

There was so much fear, so much uncertainty. It was not easy to start over at my age and by myself.  But I was never alone.    The adjustment back to the States was and is hard.  It just seemed natural that I would go back to Texas.  Several people offered a place to live until I got on my feet.  I considered each offer.  But, Nicole sort of convinced me to come to Baton Rouge, especially after she told Emma that I was coming to Baton Rouge to live.

Baton Rouge was a good choice.  I would have been happy in Texas.  Or any where I chose to go.  I like Baton Rouge.  I like my church and my job.  I like being close to part of my family.

There are things I miss and don't miss about Honduras.  I do not miss the long lines at the bank.  You never even have to go to the bank in the States.  I don't miss the long drive back to the grocery store if I forgot something or just did not plan correctly.

I love worshipping in English every week, but I do miss simple church.

I do miss our long drives in the mountains.  I miss devotionals every morning with the kids.

I don't miss the never ending hours I was working.  I still work long hours, but not that long.

I miss coffee with Kelin on the mornings she worked.

I don't miss having to go to more than one pharmacy to get the meds that I or the children needed.

I miss the slower pace in Honduras, but love the franticness in the States, too.

And, I may never eat rice again.

As with every place I have lived, I left a piece of myself in Honduras.  I took a piece with of Honduras with me.  I miss friends, just as I do miss friends from other places.

No matter what I miss and don't miss about Honduras and no matter what I do and do not like about living in the States, I will always miss those children.  They all left big footprints across my heart.  I love them and miss them.  I am thankful that I can chat with some of them on Face Book, but it is not the same as their hugs and smiles.

I will be forever grateful for the 10 years I lived in Honduras.

Road Trip To Mississippi

Family is one of my biggest blessings.

Nathan and Julia and their kids are in Hernando, Mississippi for Thanksgiving.  Hernando is about 350 miles from Baton Rouge, but a lot closer than New Hampshire.  My kids, grandkids and I have not been together since April 20, 2014.  Nathan's family had not met Paige and Nicole's family had not met Thatcher.  Once I learned that Nathan's family was going to be in Hernando, I could see a road trip in my future and, I hoped, in the future of Nicole's family.  Unfortunately, Matt did not get to make this trip with us.  In late September, I scheduled a day of PTO for yesterday.  After Paige was in the hospital last week, I wasn't sure if Paige and Nicole would get to go.  But they did.

I have been excited about this trip for a while.  But Sunday, I kicked the excitement up to a whole new level.  "Going on road trip.  Going on  a road trip," I chanted and had the girls chanting with me.  Nicole gave me a lot of eye-rolls.

Tuesday evening I walked in the door chanting "going on a road trip."  Nicole said she did not want to hear it again.  Eye-roll.  From me to her.  I stopped for gas and Nicole went in to get a monster drink.  When she got in the car, the big girls said, "going on a road trip."  Everyone laughed.  And that ended the chant.  At least for a while.

We made a not-so-quick trip through the drive through at Taco Bell.  They be out of Mugg rootbeer.  We got in I-12 at 6:15 with Taco Bell in our hands.  Thirty or so minutes later we are getting on I-55 North.  Someone says, I know we are not even to Mississippi, but I need to go to the bathroom.  It was not one of the girls and it was not me.  It was that monster drink's fault.  I know where are the rest stops and good gas stations are.  I told her we would stop at the first rest stop in Mississippi.

Paige slept from Baton Rouge to Hernando.

We stopped north of Jackson.  What is a road trip without M&Ms?  Only the people that were awake got those and no one was allowed another drink.  Then another stop in Grenada for gas.  We got to the Day's Inn in Hernando at 11:45.  Haley and I shared a bed and the other two girls slept with Nicole.  When I got in bed, Haley said, "going on a road trip."  Haley and I died laughing.  And I could visualize Nicole's eye-roll.

Like I said a few minutes ago, Paige slept from Baton Rouge to Hernando.  She needed about forty minutes of play time before going back to sleep.

The girls rose early.

After eating the free breakfast at the Day's Inn and spilling orange juice and syrup, we were off to see the cousins.

We got to Julia's parents at five minutes after 9:00.  My goal was 9:00.

Julia's parents and I have been friends since our kids fell in love and I have always enjoyed being at their house.  We just felt so welcome there.  Emma Kate and Thatcher became immediate friends.  The kids played outside.  Inside.  Outside.  There was visiting, eating, laughing, eating.

Martha had really good soup for lunch.  Then Nathan, Julia, Nicole, the five kids and I went to the movie to see "Ralph breaks the Internet."  It was a really cute movie.

We went back to Martha's for dessert and pictures.  I had hope to be headed back to Baton Rouge by 3:00, but we left at 4:00.  I am thankful for that extra hour.

Haley cried.  She said it had been so long since she had seen Camille and it was so short.  Emma Kate behaved as she does when she is said.  And Grammy might had had a tear or two.

Julia's dad and I agreed that we would probably make our first stop at Grenada or sooner.  Thankfully, we were wrong.  I got to Canton.  We stopped for gasoline, food, potty.  One stop does all this time.  We decided to eat inside instead of the car.  We need a break.  And, did we ever get one.  That fast food place was not fast at all.  It was a long break.  I was so tired.  I went to get some coffee at the c-store and they were out of coffee.  I was thinking I would have to make another stop, but I didn't.  I pushed through.

We got home at 10:00.  I was so tired.  I was exhausted.  But being with my family was worth every second of being tired.  I would turn around do it again today if I had to.

It was an awesome seven hours.

I hope we don't have to wait another four years, seven months and one day to be together again.

I am so thankful for this time for my family to be together.

Come Thirsty

The first time we fed at the dump, we noticed how thirsty people were.  Some wanted water more than the food.  When we started feeding under the bridge, people wanted something to drink.  And, in this heat, needed something to drink.  Today with lunch I had sweet tea.  Then I mowed the yard in this thousand degree Baton Rouge heat.  I did not want tea when I finished.  I craved water.  I drank a lot of it and am still drinking water.  It is hard to get quenched.

I know physical thirst, and  I know true spiritual thirst.  Do I yearn to be quenched deep in my soul as I long to be quenched physically after I mow the yard?  Jesus promised if I drink of this living water and let it quench my soul that I will never thirst again.  I usually just take a little gulp of Jesus as I need it, enough to keep from dying.  I need to drink long and deep and let Jesus fill my soul and never thirst again.  That sounds so easy.  Why then am I thirsty and yearning so much of the time?

Scars

My body has many ugly scars. They are not as red and ugly as they once were, but they are still there.  Time has erased and will continue to erase some of the ugliness.

Some of these scars are due to my own clumsiness.  Most are remains from many surgeries.  A couple of the surgeries relieved some intense pain.  I remember feeling better immediately after surgery.  Even the pain from the surgery was not as bad as what had been there previously. 

There is a fair-sized indentation on my left breast.  It is very ugly and will never completely fill in.  I had a lump removed.  Thankfully, it was benign, but who knew that until it was removed.

My stomach is covered with hideous scars.  Two major surgeries.  Two major emergency surgeries.  Both surgeries were needed to save my life.  Daily, those scars remind me that I have life, that I was spared to enjoy life.  To live in God’s will.  To continue to enjoy my family and friends.  I am thankful for life and thankful for those scars.

The scars on my body are visible.  The scars on my heart are not so visible, but they are still there.  There are several of them, just as there are several on my body.  Again, some of those scars are due to my own clumsiness.  And, just as there is an indentation in my breast, there is an indentation in my heart from the loss of my son.  Some things just never completely fill in. 

There are also big scars, hideous scars on my heart.  Some people may say that those scars have saved my emotional life or my spiritual life.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Because those scars exist I have life: physical life, emotional life and spiritual life.  I have life because of Jesus Christ my Lord.  He has carried me through everything I have ever faced.  He will continue to lead me through everything I will face in the future.  

And, speaking of scars, I have life, eternal life.  And He has the scars to prove that.

July 4

July 4 (Independence Day) is one of my favorite holidays.  As a child, this summer holiday was usually spent with extended family.  And, usually involved food, fun, and fireworks as well.  These are very sweet memories.

July 4th was often spent the same way when my kids were little.  We have seen fireworks over Lubbock, Memphis, San Francisco, St. Louis and West Point, MS.  There was another adventure in Lubbock.

The last time I was in the USA for July 4th was 2007.  I missed not being here every single year.  I am so happy to be here this year.   We will have family, friends, food and fun.  No fireworks this year.  And, maybe we will all be inside all day tomorrow as rain is in the forecast.  It doesn't really matter.  We will have a lot more food than guests.  We will have food for our lunches the rest of the week.

I hope everyone has a fun and safe 4th.

Awards Ceremonies

This morning was the awards ceremonies for Haley and Emma Kate.   And, then school was out for the summer.  This was one of the sweetest awards ceremonies I have ever seen.

There was not a bunch of awards.  Instead each teacher thought of one character trait to describe each child.  I could tell the girls' teachers put a lot of thought into this for each child.

Haley's character trait was tender-heartedness.  That perfectly describes Haley.  She also got the academic excellence award for having the second highest average in 3rd grade.  She had a 97 point something.

Emmie's character trait was love.  That, too, perfectly describes Emma Kate.  She also got perfect attendance.  She was the only in her class that had perfect attendance.  We were surprised about that.  We did not even realize that Emma had had perfect attendance  Being on time or not on time  does not count against perfect attendance.

On the way home, Nicole said that considering what all they had been through this school year, she would give them the resilience award.  I looked at her and said, " them, yes.  Us, no".  We laughed.

Since they were dressed up for awards day and it was the beginning of summer vacation, I told them to kick off their Sunday shoes.  I then added to kick off their Sunday shoes in their bedrooms.

So proud of these two.

Pictures, Pictures And More Pictures

Anyone who knows me or regularly reads my blog, knows I love pictures.  I love to take pictures and look at pictures.  I nearly always have my camera with me.

 I often say that my books are my friends.  My photos are dearer friends than my books.  Over the last 40 or so years, I have taken thousands of pictures.  Pictures of my vacations, my kids being born, birthday parties, school programs, weddings.  Trees, flowers, and mountains.  Nearly everything I have a picture or two or more to remind me of the event.

After having my film developed, I would date and write the name of everyone in the picture on the back.  Then, lovingly, I put each on in an album.  Of course, the albums are in chronological order.

As I prepared to leave for Honduras, I packed the albums in boxes.  I drove them from Illinois to  Borger.  I was leaving my precious friends in Janet's care.  Since she has her own lifetime of albums dated and labeled in chronological order, I knew I could entrust her with mine.  She graciously gave up closet space to store nine boxes of albums.

A couple of weeks ago we went to Oklahoma City for Dustin's wedding.  Rick and Janet loaded the boxes of albums in their car and brought them to me in Oklahoma City.  We loaded them in my car.

They are heavy boxes.  I thought about taking one or two up to my hotel room to start looking at them.  I decided against that.  I really did need to get some sleep.  I did look at some of them on Saturday afternoon though.

I moved the boxes into my bedroom.  At that time, I did not have a place for them.  I stacked the boxes in a corner.

This past Friday I bought a bookcase.  I unpacked these albums late into the night.  Of course, I had to place them in the right order.

It felt so good to be near my photos again.

Saturday was Ryan's birthday.  I began looking at the pictures.  Tears flowed down my cheeks.  Such sweet memories.  Before long, Emma joined me.  As we looked at pictures of Nicole as a baby, Emma squealed with delight and kept saying, "Oh, she was so cute."   Emma is right.  Nicole was so cute.  Emma and I laughed for a long time.  

I can tell each time I bought a new camera.  The pictures became better each time I  upgraded.   For some reason the dawning of a new century caused me to take even more pictures.  In 2004, I went digital and the first granddaughter was born.  Again, I began to take more pictures.  Surely, there is picture of every breath Camille took.

I continued to take pictures while I was in Honduras, but they are all stored in Shutterfly.  I can access those and look at them, and I do sometimes, but I still like pulling out the photo albums and flipping through the pages.

All may not be perfect in my world at this moment, but having those photo albums with me again, sure made my world a lot better.

I Am Elijah

One of my favorite Bible stories is Elijah on Mount Carmel.   Elijah challenges the prophets of Asherah and Baal to see if their gods can light the fire under the bull on the altar.  Four hundred and fifty prophets show up to meet Elijah head on.  They prepare their bull and began to call on their gods.  Elijah taunts them by saying, "shout louder, maybe he can't hear you.  Maybe he is busy.  Or sleeping.  The prophets shout louder.  And still no fire appears under their bull.  There was no response from their gods.  Ever.

Elijah then prepares his bull.  He then ordered four large jars to be filled and poured over the altar.  He did this again and even a third time.  Water ran over the altar and filled the trench.  Elijah call upon his God and the fire from heaven fell upon the altar and consumed the sacrifice.

That is the part of the story I love.

Ahab was married to Jezebel.  Neither of these people were good people.  In the very next chapter, Ahab told Jezebel what happened and she sent a message to Elijah saying she would kill him.  Elijah should have been flying high and praising God still for the miracle performed at the altar.  Elijah turned and fled.  He hid under a broom tree and begged God to take his life.

Shouldn't the God that poured fire from heaven on the altar be able to protect Elijah from a death threat?  One would think so.

I am Elijah.  I am not hiding under a broom tree, but I am Elijah.

I am still praising God for the way He placed the Casa kids at the very last minute.  I have not forgotten that.  I still tell the story to anyone who will listen.  I am still praising God for many things that happened those last few days in Honduras.

Yet, I am fearful that because I have looked for a job for eight weeks and not found one that I won't find one.

Won't the same God that took care of those children, take care of a job for me?  One would think so.

I don't want to be Elijah anymore.  I want to have faith that a job is on its way.  I also need to remember my brave song and "wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord."

A Windy Wedding

While living in Honduras, I missed a lot of family events, both happy ones and sad ones.  When I heard Dustin and Tasha were getting married, I decided I wanted to go.  I was going to buy a ticket and go from Honduras.

Then, I was no longer in Honduras and I knew I still wanted to go.  I hoped it would work.  

I left early Thursday morning for Oklahoma City.  It is over 600 miles from Baton Rouge.

I checked in and went to move my car and get my stuff.  I saw Janet and Rick before I moved the car.  The car waited a few minutes.

After we hugged and got my stuff, we went to our rooms to change clothes.  I changed rapidly and went back downstairs.  As I waited on Janet and Rick, Nathan and Wes walked in.  I was glad to see Wes, but this mamma was really glad to see Nathan.

Oklahoma City tends to be a windy part of the country, but what was happening last week was windier than what anyone is accustomed to.

Dustin was worried the tent would not hold and the arbor was in the pond on Friday morning.  It was removed from the pond and set upright again.  It held the rest of the day Friday.

I stayed in the house as long as I could.

In spite of the wind, it was a beautiful wedding.  Rick performed the ceremony and his words were so beautiful and meaningful.  The arbor stayed on the deck, the tent did not crash and no one blew away.  The dinner was delicious.

I was glad I could make this trip.  I enjoyed family.  Tonight, I am tired, but it was so worth it.

Best wishes, Dustin and Tasha.

On The Move Again

I like to be settled in in whatever place I call home.  I began sleeping in the mission house on November 13.  Not in Nicole's house, but the mission house.  The mission house may be great for a one week mission trip, but for five weeks, there is nothing about that seems like home.  Many times what I needed at night was at my house at Casa and sometimes what I need during the day was at the mission house.  Fortunately, those two places were close to each other.

I was at Nathan and Julia's house for three weeks.  I love being there, but it is not home and since I was in the process of moving, I had suitcases every where and could not find anything.  I was a week on the road before I arrived in Baton Rouge.

Matt, Nicole and the girls had been in Baton Rouge for over a month when I got here.  They were temporarily staying with Matt's parents.  The church has graciously allowed to me to stay in a house they own.  It is a nice house, but it, too is temporary.  I knew every thing I brought into this house had to be moved again.  The few things I brought back were who knows where.  I had to have dishes and a couple of pans in which to cook.

After some discussion, we decided we would all live together after we got jobs.  Matt and Nicole have both found jobs.  I have not.  Nicole and I looked at a rent house that we loved.  Then Matt and Nicole looked at it and everyone was in love with it.  They applied for it and we got it.

Saturday we began moving the things that finally arrived from Honduras.  All of that was in storage units.  Saturday it was supposed to rain and we weren't sure we had any help.  We rented a small U-Haul truck and soon found out that some of our big custom-made furniture from Honduras would not fit in a small truck and a larger truck was not available.  Matt's dad, Ronnie and Melissa Ellis came to help.  And, I don't want to forget Emma Kate helped all day.  Matt was working.  If I had been Ronnie, I would have cried, or left, when I was working with three girls.  Melissa's husband, Jay, showed up in a bit.  We were really glad to see him.  We worked all day.

Sunday afternoon we unpacked and laid shelf paper.  And started a load of dishes in the dishwasher.  Until the dishwasher caught on fire.

Monday,  Matt's mom and I unpacked.  I finished shelf paper.  Nicole did errands.  A new dishwasher was installed.  A refrigerator and tv were delivered.  The owner stopped in.  The property manager stopped in.

Yesterday, we tried to finish unloading the storage units.  That almost happened.  But not quite.

We did finish that task this morning.  And picked up a washer and dryer.  And went some where else to pick up a couch that someone gave us.  And went to the house where I have been staying to get Emma's bed.   The truck was unloaded.

Every thing from Honduras was wrapped in layers and layers of corrugated.  It has been a mess.

Nicole packed their things at Matt's parents all day today.

This really should not have taken this long.  But there the dishwasher problem.  A Target run.  Going after the girls at school.  A Target run.  A Taco Bell run for lunch.  A Target run.

I am leaving for the weekend.  I will move my things after I return.

But I am going to sleep in my bed tonight.  It has been FIVE months since I slept in my own bed.  Do you know how good that is going to feel?  For one night.  It will feel good again on Sunday night as well.

I hope it is a long time before I move again.

A Brave Song

Sweet Emma has a lot of fears and anxieties.  She has what she calls her brave songs.  They help her be brave.  One of her brave songs has the words, " I'm no longer a slave to fear.  I am a child of God."  She really does get braver and lose her fears when she hears her brave songs.

When a person my age starts looking for a job, there are a lot of fears also.  Simply applying for a job is drastically different than before I left for Honduras ten years ago.  And, interviewing is not as easy either.  Yes, there is a lot of fear there.  There is also fear in knowing you have bills and you have to buy food.  I have money for the next few months, but it is hard not to think, "what if I don't have a job when this stops?,  What if...?, What if...?"

Now, I have my own brave song.  It is "Wait Upon The Lord."  I know God has this.  I know that.  Sometimes there is fear in waiting.  God has this.  I will wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord.

Emma and I can be brave together.

Adjusting To Life In The USA

I am too old to start my life over.  But, sometimes, there is no choice.  When I found myself moving back to the States, I eliminated every where but four places.  Two of those were eliminated because there is no family in those two places.  That left Borger and Baton Rouge.  Borger was a safe bet.  Baton Rouge had granddaughters.  Even though they were the trump card, it was not an easy decision.

It was with fear and trepidation that I left Childress on a cold, cold morning in January.  I got on US287S and headed to an even colder Baton Rouge.  It would have been very easy to stay in Childress or head north to Borger.

There are many things that I do like about being back in the States.  Worship.  Variety of eating places.  Nice highways and roads.  Bookstores and libraries.  Buying a different coffee creamer every time.  Spring in the south.  Oh my, I do love spring in the south.  These are a few of my favorite things.

Banking and buying is so easy.  Even getting my driver's license and registering my car was easy.

I am overwhelmed by the changes in technology.  And, do we really need 1000 toothpaste and shampoo choices?  I stand in the aisles and stare and wonder how I am ever suppose to decide with that many choices.  Life is busier here.  Life is different,  That can be both good and bad.

I miss my friends, my church, the kids.  Sadness overcomes me some days.  Those days are getting fewer.

I don't like looking for a job.  It is hard work.  But that is necessary and, hopefully, looking for work won't last forever.

I do like resting and sleeping.  Eating regular meals.  Reading books.  Taking walks.  There was not much time for any of that while in Honduras.

I think I am adjusting, be it ever so slowly.

My Stuff

I have always loved my stuff.  Always.  And, I have always had a lot of stuff to love.  It might be a sin to love stuff as much as I do. I got rid of stuff every time we moved.  But, sometimes, stuff accumulated faster than I got rid of it.

When I went to Honduras over 10 years ago, I culled stuff and more stuff.  I looked at what was left and started over.  I was so proud of how much  of my stuff that I said good-bye to.  I put most of what was left in a storage unit in Columbus.  I thought it would be there for 3-5 years.  I also have stuff other places, mainly Texas.  I may never get it all to Baton Rouge.

In January, I opened my storage unit for the first time in 10 years.  Some friends were with me.  There were collapsed boxes, which was a powerful reminder of my collapsed dreams.  The waves of emotion that rolled over me were dizzying.  Hundreds of thousands of memories came pouring out of that storage unit and into my heart.  I did not cry.  At that moment.  I waited until I had a car load of boxes and was in the car by myself.  Then the tears flowed freely.  I never even thought about how hard it would be to raise that door and see all that stuff

There is still a bunch of stuff in that unit.  It is haunting my dreams.  I know have to get rid of more stuff.  It is emotionally gut-wrenching.  Some things I look at and not only wonder why I kept it, but why I had it to begin with.

Some things I won't get rid of.  Some of it, I don't have the emotional fortitude to even look at right now.  But, I will.  I will look at everything and touch everything and I will get rid of more stuff.  Lots more stuff.  Until I do, I guess I will continue to see boxes of stuff in my dreams.

Facing 2018

As a new year begins and a fresh new page is in front of me, every year is a chance to improve myself.  To set new goals.  To try harder.  Sometimes I am successful.  Sometimes I am not.  But, I like trying and I like the opportunity.

This year's new page is a little more empty than in past years.  In the past, I have had a job and a home.  I have pretty much known what I wanted to accomplish.  This year, I have none of those thing.  A bit scary, yes.

Since December 19, I have been at Nathan's.  We have laughed and played and worked puzzles.  It has been fun.  It has been a cocoon.  It is almost time to emerge from that cocoon.

I have to start working on a resume.  I get stuck there.  I have to look for a job.  And a place to live.  I have to make new friends.  Find new doctors and dentists.  I have never lived in the US by myself.  At my age, all of that can be, and at times is, overwhelming.

Sometimes, I can open my arms as wide as they can open and say, "bring it on."  Other times, I want to dig deeper into my cocoon and never come out.  I don't like uncertainty.

The opportunities are endless this year.  I hope that I make the best of them.